You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Breaking news:
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*