My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
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A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
How it started How it’s going
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.