[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
The options really are this bad
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.