Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
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“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE