Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY