just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Worlds greatest photobomb
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken