Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
You Might Also Like
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
welp
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*