Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
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*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?