glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.