Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.