A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”