There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
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my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
men are simple creatures
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.