Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
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Beware of the “party goblin”…
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
How funny!
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
This came to me in a dream.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating