I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???