[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
You Might Also Like
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Breaking news:
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
this could fix me
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.