You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.