English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
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I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING