[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
dam girl
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.