Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
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My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
If a snake ate a cake
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
“I FIXED IT!”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.