I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
i think we should see other cousins
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Tuesday
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies