When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
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Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Most fashion shows these days…
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
first you must answer his riddles
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.