My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
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Yep.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
War & Peace
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
What the hell happened here.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it