Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
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Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
we’re dead?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!