Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
You Might Also Like
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
decorating my apartment
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me: