Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress