[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
War & Peace
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.