I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Golf would be better with landmines.