A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
So the ex texted me
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
shit just got real
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends