If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
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I remember when yoga was called Twister.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”