Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*