Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”