business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
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Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My typo game is string.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong