Growing up was a huge mistake
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*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system