[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.