Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
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