[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Oh my God.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth