I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
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just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.