zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
what
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys