HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.