Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
(True)
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
S M O L
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that