Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
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My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Yup….perfect score!
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food