Nice try, NASA
You Might Also Like
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Brb my Sims are getting married
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.