When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys