Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.