My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying