There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!