for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
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I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!