If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
#gardening
Hamburger Hinderer.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.