*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
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I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
can’t talk my ride’s here
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂