Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
You Might Also Like
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I have no passwords left in me
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work